if i could turn back timewhere should i turn it to?
which part would i wanna relive or do without
and if knowing i will still be at the spot im standing when time comes
will i turn back to really far backand make another turnso i dont get to where i am
or will things just be the same elsewhere just different surroundings and people
or will it be worsesuch that i will regret not having once had such amazingtime
if i turn back will i still retain my memory
will it make me more cautious more wary, different
and make things turn out differently so that again i dont end up at this spot
or will my change cause me to not even be able to reach this spot
and not be able to experience the joy i once had. extreme sadness is only achievable with extreme joy.deprivation of feelings yes it may be good you wont feel pain but does it take away your joy cos what used to make u happy makes u sad and to not be sad u stop being happy. and if time turned back will it eventually lead back to the same spot again, maybe it's just a delay. cos sometimes we cannot deny ourselves of our true selves no matter what front we put up. so then will it be more painful or will it be fine because you once experienced and u saw it coming. and if so, and u saw it coming, what's the point of turning back. is it to just soak in the temporal joy and ignorant bliss. or does this added joy which should not have been possible add on to your pain and give you false hope and actually you know it's all a lie. you lying to yourself. so if turning back time is possible will it be good? then again i wish i could halt time.
at my happiest moments or even random really random times while walking with people whom you know may disappear from your diary entries, in time to come or for periods of time, if you do not try to make two hands clap or force your hand or initiate a clap, or even forever. i always wish we could all just stop there. but time it keeps passing by. i know im typing nonsense and im wasting my sleep time on this im going to be really tired but if i delete this it doesnt make me less tired but you know there are really times i wish i could control. maybe i can make things right maybe i can many things. but maybe it's a waste of time thinking of what to do with time that has passed and i shouldnt make this my pasttime. and i should think of the time now and do what i can from here, but some things they really cannot be done by one trying. i'd like to try but i dont know how to, what if trying makes it worse, if it can get any. and thoughts are consuming. in fact there maybe nothing wrong but thoughts they just lead you the wrong way. i shouldnt get started on thoughts it'll be another long chunk. therefore i sealed my thoughts box although they escape from time to time but the bulk of it is still suppressed, thankfully. some things we just lock it deep in so we dont let it affect. but we all know it's present we jsut dont mention because the world is not yours. all your actions affect others. unless im in my own room cutting toe nails those sort of thing, but actually it does, the rubbish man has to clear. maybe sitting down stoning wont affect. but again it may make u very sleepy when u meet others and it may affect ur mood and affect others. everything we do all our actions they affect something or someone no matter what unless we have no family no friends and we stay in a cave with our own shadows and dont know that there's a world out there. so sometimes it's better to lock things up so they dont show. but again it feels terrible behind that mask. and if the joyful mask you put on makes you appear joyful, will you still know when you are truly happy or will you just feel the same all the time and never experience real joy again. it's so complicated and some things can never be understood. and sometimes you realise you cannot understand or you dont even know who you thought u understood the most. if you never thought so you wont be feeling anything. thoughts again, if you never thought so you wont feel sad. but sometimes actions lead to wrong thoughts. and i shouldnt get started on actions. and i think i can continue typing this weird shit forever but i cant extend time and i need to sleep.
i'll tighten the lock on the box of my thoughts and show up with my happy face.still i secretly pray for a time machine. but if i have it i'll go back to the start and not know what to do with it.