So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had
So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely
Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had
And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
What was it you wanted?
Could it be I'm haunted?


i eat my words and punch myself.
let go my ass, bluff myself only.
i think i cannot,
maybe i can never change,
maybe i should just learn to live with it
sigh.
x

P.S sorry all my posts are all so tmd.
PPS. dawn you still need ****** anot?

on a happier note, which i am supposed to be in:

ॐअ·$1๑₪۩۞۩₪๑·$4ÐÅЯÎØ·$1๑₪۩۞۩₪๑ says:
Hola!
to write you another song says:
me grace (singapore)
to write you another song says:
remember?
ॐअ·$1๑₪۩۞۩₪๑·$4ÐÅЯÎØ·$1๑₪۩۞۩₪๑ says:
Si

xiaoyi, he remembers!!!


to write you another song says:
¿Cómo era newzealand? la diversión?
to write you another song says:
¿Puede entender?
ॐअ·$1๑₪۩۞۩₪๑·$4ÐÅЯÎØ·$1๑₪۩۞۩₪๑ says:
Bery good
to write you another song says:
singapore good?
ॐअ·$1๑₪۩۞۩₪๑·$4ÐÅЯÎØ·$1๑₪۩۞۩₪๑ says:
Yes!!

he likes singapore!hahaha and hello siao pls, i speak spanish and he speaks english? and we both dont know what we're really saying. but he said bye! okay i think we'll never speak again cos we have nothing more to say. no hasta la vista?


ॐअ·$1๑₪۩۞۩₪๑·$4ÐÅЯÎØ·$1๑₪۩۞۩₪๑ says:
Sorry time out, good bay

hahaha. good bay everyone.
oh yes i havent talked bout work for very long, i finally finished lithos after 2 weeks plus omg finally. now im doing random stuff. today i made booklet for this amazing race organised for company pple! so exciting! and sigh, today i was talking so never see and i walked into the gents pls omg:/ i think the uncle turned green. okay work again tmr, they're very nice:) and most scary women have all turned unscary since im helping one pack her files and the other one gave me prawn crackers yesterday hahaha. only one more scary woman left in the office. what's for lunch and dessert tmr, anything.

actually i already crawled into bed and off lights and got ready to slp ready.
then i suddenly felt like typing here.
and it's not very understandable just my ramblings that i must ramble.
cos today in office, i was waiting for the woman then i had nothing to do so i started thinking bout stuff and i decided maybe it's really time to move on. yes caitou i think ive more or less decided. ya and so i decided to write it down in black and white, so that i really mean in and not let it be yet another one of those million passing thoughts i already have had throughout the entire time. maybe it's time i stop holding on to whatever i once said and promised and thought and believed. i know it's no longer an issue and actually all along im just being a nuisance not putting it down. in fact i may not actually be breaking my promises, not doing what i once said i will do because now i question if those i thought were promises, were they? maybe it's just me being really silly and holding on and feeling all sorts for no reason, and it's been keeping me tired and sad and troubled for so long. i think i'm tired or maybe i've lost the will to continue holding on and believing already.and maybe i'm too frail to continue holding on to the line that has no end. though i kept thinking there will be. i know i never stopped believing and actually the whole time whatever i do, however happy i look,however cant-be-bothered anymore i seem, however busy i kept myself, however nonchalant i acted,it never left my mind. and i think maybe i'm too tired and weak but i really tried very hard already i think i cant take more. anw it's just a matter of time when i just lose hope since the problem lies with me and my thoughts and what i thought. i want to stop feeling sad over this and i can say this is the last time i will feel sad, like i've always said everytime. there have been so many supposedly last times i cant remember anymore. and i'd like to say i'll never cry over it again but yet again how many last times also. but im gonna say now really that i shouldnt still be thinking, holding on, xtr-ing or anything. .i know i really dont want to really put it down cos i never stopped believing and wishing and i dont want anyone to be sad or feel anything.but believing and wishing got me no where, maybe they got me sadder and i think i cant anymore, if getting any sadder is possible. i'll try to live my own life and be happy i really wish i can but it's so hard when ........ aiyah i dont know. didnt i just say just now will be the last time feeling sad. hai. i'm just crazy and unwell. but i'll be fine, i'll make myself be, i'll sing more praises and pray more, it'll help right,yes. anw typing this was to say certainly that i will stop holding on to the broken string but hello i sound like the most uncertain, unwilling creature.whatever, i'll try. and since i wrote it all down it means i mean it right, yes i do..?
whatever it is, i can only be so sad because i was soooooooooooooooooooooo happy before. so im really thankful also that i once experienced so much fun joy happiness help hope care like sjb:) and everytime i think of them i can still smile, and smile from the bottom of my heart. maybe i'll give anything up just to go back to where i was. cos i really think money, studies, status, fame, whatever's impt, 5 cs? whatever la, they really dont mean that much. im happy when i have different stuff. maybe im just weird maybe im different from the world ah. sian. but now im starting to lose hope maybe i'll be like the world soon. maybe the world isnt tt bad la ive just been so tired im becoming negative. and im monologuing already. hai. whatever, im thankful. for the times. and really thankful for all the friends/cat who comforted me everytime i emo. sorry i've become like that.
i promise, or at least i'll try, from now i'll be stronger and stop being so beaten.
and josh groban said, or sang, Time changes everything,One truth always stays the same,You're still you.
underneath, no matter what we've changed into and become, perhaps different things may make us happy now, what used to make us happy and laugh out loud may not even tickle us a bit anymore,however our perspectives/aspirations/hopes and wishes/surroundings/people around/roles change, we're still us. thankyou all those who once cared, thanks for being you. and sorry.
i'd like to end off with this song, and i hope i mean it this time and i stop feeling all sorts and down, it's been a long time coming.

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wish I had not said
Are played in loops til it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
And on our last days of silent screaming blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back don't think just do
More than anything I want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

and today made me realise maybe i've been living wrongly. sounds weird but yah. maybe whatever i did, felt, thought,how i lived my life, it may all be wrong, if not why do i end up in such a state.it must be my problem.but i havent figured out how.
and im tired of acting fine.
got scolded/quarelled non stop from my house to town and there was jam. so it was really very long. and they said some stuff which really hurt so so much my tears couldnt stop flowing,from in the car, toilet, till waiting for food, throught the meal, walking, etc.and ive been saying i wont cry and everytime when i wanna cry i distract myself so i really haven cried for very long, so i think them scolding was the last straw, cos now even family also screwed, so once i cried then everything i suppressed all came out. and i think everyone who walked pass me thought i was crazy.but i really couldnt stop ok.
what was so painful was that i thought ok people may leave me,fail me, forget me, disappoint me, but at least ive got my family, and now i was kinda depending on them but hmmm. i guess sometimes things just dont turn out the way we want it to be and for me it's been a long time since it did. but actually, i dont even know what i want things to be now. i think i should sleep i've got the thickest eye lids in the world. so maybe wearing specs is good, no one can tell?i've got one month and 27 more days with specs ok i'll countdown.


In the light of the sun
Is there anyone, ohh it has begun
O dear you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed this world you must have crossed you said
You don’t know me, and you don't even care ooo yea
You said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains
Essential yet appealed
Carry all your thoughts, across an open field
When the flowers gaze at you
they're not the only ones who cry when they see you
You said you don't know me, and you don’t even care
Well you said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains
She said
I think I'm going to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
No one knows my name
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover
I'll fly them out to Spain
I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town to leave this all behind
I think I need a sun rise
I'm tired of the sun set
Here it's nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice
You don't know me And you don't even care
In Boston
No one knows my name No one knows my name

hello meow, i dont know if you'll see this, but u saw the previous so u guess you'll see this? anw really glad to hear from u though it's just the comments and i never realised how much u were there for me with all the meows and slapping and everyweirdthing until now when i try to find your shoulder and you're so far away. hope u've already gotten ur hot bod and not sun burns. and i have church tmr if visitation's only in the morning:( and i cant miss church. so i hope i'll see u. if not, u'll still be in my prayers:) MEOW.

"People from around the world filmed themselves and sent their videos to me. I asked everyone to answer the question "what would you do/want if anything were possible?" in three words or less. "




I SEE THE LIGHTS ARE TURNING
AND I LOOK OUTSIDE THE STARS ARE BURNING
THROUGH THIS CHANGING TIME
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING WE WANT
IT’S FINE SALVATION WAS JUST A PASSING THOUGHT.
DON’T WAIT ACT NOW
THIS AMAZING OFFER WON’T LAST LONG
IT’S ONLY A CHANCE TO SAVE THE PATH WE’RE ON
I KNOW THERE ARE MORE EXCITING THINGS TO TALK ABOUT
AND IN TIME WE’LL SORT IT OUT
AND THOUGH THEY SAY IT’S POSSIBLE TO ME
I DON’T SEE HOW IT’S PROBABLE
I SEE THE COURSE WE’RE ON
SPINNING FARTHER FROM WHAT I KNOW
I’LL HOLD ON
TELL ME THAT YOU WON’T LET GO
TELL ME THAT YOU WON’T LET GO
AND TRUTH IS SUCH A FUNNY THING
WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE
KEEP ON TELLING ME
THEY KNOW WHAT’S BEST
AND WHAT TO BE FRIGHTENED OF
AND ALL THE REST ARE WRONG
THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT US
AND THOUGH THEY SAY IT’S POSSIBLE TO ME
I DON’T SEE HOW IT’S PROBABLE
I SEE THE COURSE WE’RE ON
SPINNING FARTHER FROM WHAT I KNOW
I’LL HOLD ON
TELL ME THAT YOU WON’T LET GO
TELL ME THAT YOU WON’T LET GO
I’M NOT ALRIGHT…
THIS COULD BE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL
I KNOW...


what would i really write on my card?
and what would you?

there's gotta be a heaven somewhere:)

if i could turn back timewhere should i turn it to?
which part would i wanna relive or do without
and if knowing i will still be at the spot im standing when time comes
will i turn back to really far backand make another turnso i dont get to where i am
or will things just be the same elsewhere just different surroundings and people
or will it be worsesuch that i will regret not having once had such amazingtime
if i turn back will i still retain my memory
will it make me more cautious more wary, different
and make things turn out differently so that again i dont end up at this spot
or will my change cause me to not even be able to reach this spot
and not be able to experience the joy i once had. extreme sadness is only achievable with extreme joy.deprivation of feelings yes it may be good you wont feel pain but does it take away your joy cos what used to make u happy makes u sad and to not be sad u stop being happy. and if time turned back will it eventually lead back to the same spot again, maybe it's just a delay. cos sometimes we cannot deny ourselves of our true selves no matter what front we put up. so then will it be more painful or will it be fine because you once experienced and u saw it coming. and if so, and u saw it coming, what's the point of turning back. is it to just soak in the temporal joy and ignorant bliss. or does this added joy which should not have been possible add on to your pain and give you false hope and actually you know it's all a lie. you lying to yourself. so if turning back time is possible will it be good? then again i wish i could halt time.
at my happiest moments or even random really random times while walking with people whom you know may disappear from your diary entries, in time to come or for periods of time, if you do not try to make two hands clap or force your hand or initiate a clap, or even forever. i always wish we could all just stop there. but time it keeps passing by. i know im typing nonsense and im wasting my sleep time on this im going to be really tired but if i delete this it doesnt make me less tired but you know there are really times i wish i could control. maybe i can make things right maybe i can many things. but maybe it's a waste of time thinking of what to do with time that has passed and i shouldnt make this my pasttime. and i should think of the time now and do what i can from here, but some things they really cannot be done by one trying. i'd like to try but i dont know how to, what if trying makes it worse, if it can get any. and thoughts are consuming. in fact there maybe nothing wrong but thoughts they just lead you the wrong way. i shouldnt get started on thoughts it'll be another long chunk. therefore i sealed my thoughts box although they escape from time to time but the bulk of it is still suppressed, thankfully. some things we just lock it deep in so we dont let it affect. but we all know it's present we jsut dont mention because the world is not yours. all your actions affect others. unless im in my own room cutting toe nails those sort of thing, but actually it does, the rubbish man has to clear. maybe sitting down stoning wont affect. but again it may make u very sleepy when u meet others and it may affect ur mood and affect others. everything we do all our actions they affect something or someone no matter what unless we have no family no friends and we stay in a cave with our own shadows and dont know that there's a world out there. so sometimes it's better to lock things up so they dont show. but again it feels terrible behind that mask. and if the joyful mask you put on makes you appear joyful, will you still know when you are truly happy or will you just feel the same all the time and never experience real joy again. it's so complicated and some things can never be understood. and sometimes you realise you cannot understand or you dont even know who you thought u understood the most. if you never thought so you wont be feeling anything. thoughts again, if you never thought so you wont feel sad. but sometimes actions lead to wrong thoughts. and i shouldnt get started on actions. and i think i can continue typing this weird shit forever but i cant extend time and i need to sleep.
i'll tighten the lock on the box of my thoughts and show up with my happy face.still i secretly pray for a time machine. but if i have it i'll go back to the start and not know what to do with it.

i read this today,
it's kartography by kamila shamsie ,

"no one else who will catch me if i fall out of this top bunk, catch me not because of quick reflexes but because of anticipation''

indeed.
it reminds me fondly.
so who truly reads your mind?

i just reached home only had to rush to church after work.
whole day so busy.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

anw today was the bomb.
cos just agreed to work so didnt ask pay
and today we finally found out it's only 900 omg
and i went to count.
means right, minus cpf, one day oly like 32!
and one hour only 4.81 dollars omggggggggg
walaoooo
so after hearing tt
we lost all our workaholic-ness
siannnnnnnnnnnnn
and i couted
lunch ten bucks
travel to and fro like 4 bucks
so i ear 18 a day
if i stay home and slp
i get 10 bucks
so actually if i dont work opp cost only 8 bucks
siannnnnnnnnn.

ahhhhhhh.

and my keyboard's spoilt i cant type "b" & "n". i must copy and paste can argh. what a pui day.
and colleague's sad too cos of the initiator. hope tmr will e etter!

i can only say for tmr
TGIF!

Haven’t been blogging cos really too tiring, everyday come home i feel like im magnetized by the sofa/bed and I cant leave them. Anw since I stare at the comp whole day in the office, im also too tired to on comp again, I’ll go blind. so i dunno why im using now.And actually there’s nothing much to blog about, unless people are interested in what projects I sorted, what buildings were built, what I typed. But again, I think it’s confidential haha. And life is like all work nowadays.
Oh yes, remember I was complaining about having no work at all till I met godsend? Ya so ever since I met her,which was day number 2, I’ve got work I feel will take forever to complete. Actually it will, cos as long as buildings are built documents will be sent and I’ll have work! And yes so I’ve been clearing the back log (since 2003)! Super damn a lot. Everyday go there do till go home cannot then continue next day and everyday also same. And today after completing 2 years of documents for this condo we realized we typed in wrong charges for all including the hotel, shop, condo i did yesterday..so tmr must redo all. Then june(godsend) told me tt mayb I’ll finish everything in 2 weeks? Or like a month, omg. But actually I don’t mind, cos she’s really nice so I don’t mind working for her. She offered me cranberry oat biscuits, vanilla wafer, tea, asked me to tell her when im bored, teach me how to use the high tech machines, brought me to walk in marina square cos she thinks i need a break, keeps asking me to break, tells me who she thinks is scary after I told her who I feel are scary blablabla. So nice.
Sorry I hope im not boring people with my work haha.

and meow's in army!hope she's doing well!

and realisations,

.tanxuan=weiwei?!
.Tanxuan=Bangladesh!

.cine's hk cafe mango ice thing's very nice and big!

.And I realized im not the only one surprised/shocked by myself. colleague feels as shock/surprised by herself. I always thought I’ll be v bored with work and feel damn sian and don’t wanna do work in office who knows it’s the contrary! we’re truly workaholics.


and one exciting thing about working is, what to wear!
tmr's informal (alternate) so hmmmmmmmmm.
i'll go find now!
and i must go squeeze in the bus again tmr morning sian
i wish really can snap fingers and all disappear
there's really overpopulation.
hope everyone's been doing great
i haven seen sch people for ages,
and i know someone will say im a kid (sling bag),
but school's so fun i miss school.
work keeps me busy and tired,
i have no time to be emo,
or anyhow think
maybe it's good
and no matter what office'll be good,
cos tmr im eating nice korean fish+beef for lunch yay.

"happy birthday, Clare, not that you'll ever see this but maybe that's the
point

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in
the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life "

i stole from jan, and my sentiments exactly. happy birthday.

so after constant non-stop music from my mum, i decided to start work.
and yesterday was first day!!
my first time ever!
and it was well, unexpected. i almost fainted and i spent bulk of the time wondering why they are wasting their money hiring me.
let me explain,
so the day before yesterday i spent super long ironing button up shirts and work pants and yesterday i wore super formally and when i reached there i realised they dont really have anything for me to do, so they assigned me to this librarian auntie. (in the company there's this mini library for the staff for reference) and the auntie was quite shocked she had somebody to do work for her cos there's really nothing much also. so she had to find stuff for me to do, and in the mini library there's really nothing much. so i ended up sorting the books in all the shelves and i had to clean all the shelves which were covered with few years' dust, or maybe few decades. and since there's really nothing to do, and i have to do sth cos im paid, i decided to pack the books according to height. and then after climbing up and down and cleaning all and sorting, there's nothing more. so the auntie had to take out plastic wrap so tt i can do work, wrap the books. and after wrapping the unwrapped books, there's still time omg, so she unwrapped old wrapped books for me to rewrap. omg. luckily cf joined man and the auntie there was quite talkable sometimes. aunties are all nice:) well but im still scared of the kopi auntie in the office. anw that was all i did from 9 to 1, 2 to 5 plus. until my saviour got me some labels to cut till 630 before i escaped. and please i look crazy wearing button up shirt and nice pants cleaning shelves. i should be wearing air-con man attire instead.
so that was nightmare part 1.
and part 2 continued this morning. since there was nothing left to do in the library. i was assigned to this lady who looks like my mother(same hair style HAHA) then i was excited that i finally could touch paper and not shelf books. so "my mother" asked me to sort and file the papers (i finally could sit down u know, yesterday i climbed, knelt, stood all day) and she left. so i was so excited that finally got papers , i packed super fast. then i finished and couldnt find the lady, so i could only wait, and wait, and half an hour, still wait. really sat there wait do nothing u know. cos no phone, cannot just sit there listen mp3 cos very weird cos others working, so i just stoned. i stoned until i was so sleepy please. then super bored like siao. then after bout half hour she came back! then i asked her what else to do, then she said wait. then i waited again and she started talking on the phone, then like very impt, so i didnt dare interrupt, so i continued my stoning. i had to go to pantry to drink coffee cos i was gonna fall asleep, really nothing to do please. and i asked again but she busy. i was so sian diao. then at 1130(total waiting time=1 hour), i decided i shouldnt be wasting life and company's money. so i went again and i asked again and she finally found another stack of stuff for me to sort and file. and she told me she'll help me mass email all the directors' secretaries to ask if they need help. phew, quite sweet. and i was so glad i finally have work, but this time i purposely do slowly, cos if not nothing to do again, so this time i succeeded! only finished 10 mins before lunch so i only had to wait 10 mins. hahaha
anw after lunch i met godsend. the lady/"my mother" brought me around and one secretary finally said she needed a lot of help and that she has A LOT OF WORK. OMG YAY. i was so happy please. ya it sounds crazy but work is so so so much better then staring blankly. at least i keep myself occupied and time passes faster and i wont feel like im wasting my life. so godsend, her name is june, ya she gave me a lot of work and let me sit opposite her table to sort. i was so glad i finally have work!! then i packed non stop, cos i must look very dilligent so she'll still want me to continue. then she was very nice, she kept asking if i'm surviving, if i want to eat biscuit/drink coffee/go toilet, ask me to tell her when im bored blablabla. but i said "it's ok" (which i really thought was, cos it's so much better then past one and a half day's zuo-boing or cleaning shelves though she really had damn a lot to sort and it was super thick and messy it's like a level subjects filing but in this case im taking like all subs and packing all) and guess what, she told me to go help her tmr again!!:) means tmr i can sit at table and sort, and got so many projects i sure sort very long, and maybe got to key in stuff, finally dont have to zuo bo,oh yay. i cant believe it but yes i want work! hahaha i dont wanna zuo bo it's really boliao please. anw she asked if i was bored and i said it's counted good cos i had to wrap books yesterday which are super old and no one reads kind, then she said she saw me wrapping:s, but she said she cant keep me forever. but im happy enough. at least i know tmr when i go work i really work and i can be busy and time will pass very fast. and i will feel very accomplished and satisfied and fulfilled after that! like today, after helping her from 2 to 630 or so, i felt so accomplished!! after yesterday's cleaning i felt like a dust-eater only. so nightmare kinda ended after lunch, but well, i hope there's enough work to last me longer!
anw i havent said what company i was working in, it's some architect firm, they built wisma, far east plaza, some royal dunno what (at scotts) hotel, paragon, marina square, bread talk at orchard(i filed this today!),casablanca condo etc! quite cool right! and they are gonna build ir!
haha siao man so cool!

hope tmr will be ok!
hope caitou the birthday kid had a good day today!
and while stoning during tt hour i was thinking of all the fun the touch pple were having at the chalet!!must be fun right!hope they had!aiya confirm.

the good
.working made me realise parents are really wei3 da4.
.made me thrifty? i see food five bucks=1 hour of shelving@_@
.cf
.could meet zhi and wei for dinner after first day of hard work with ru, to have post bday celeb at imperial treasure then could meet shuyan and huiling after dinner for mini NALU gathering. and zhi died after few millilitres. hahaha thanks for organising!(and she doesnt even know i have a blog but thought counts!)

i shall go sleep,
gotta wake at seven,
and morning mrt is crazy,
i cant breathe.
i miss school.
good night and good luck.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAITOU!!!
while i have nightmare part 2.
omg:(