actually i already crawled into bed and off lights and got ready to slp ready.
then i suddenly felt like typing here.
and it's not very understandable just my ramblings that i must ramble.
cos today in office, i was waiting for the woman then i had nothing to do so i started thinking bout stuff and i decided maybe it's really time to move on. yes caitou i think ive more or less decided. ya and so i decided to write it down in black and white, so that i really mean in and not let it be yet another one of those million passing thoughts i already have had throughout the entire time. maybe it's time i stop holding on to whatever i once said and promised and thought and believed. i know it's no longer an issue and actually all along im just being a nuisance not putting it down. in fact i may not actually be breaking my promises, not doing what i once said i will do because now i question if those i thought were promises, were they? maybe it's just me being really silly and holding on and feeling all sorts for no reason, and it's been keeping me tired and sad and troubled for so long. i think i'm tired or maybe i've lost the will to continue holding on and believing already.and maybe i'm too frail to continue holding on to the line that has no end. though i kept thinking there will be. i know i never stopped believing and actually the whole time whatever i do, however happy i look,however cant-be-bothered anymore i seem, however busy i kept myself, however nonchalant i acted,it never left my mind. and i think maybe i'm too tired and weak but i really tried very hard already i think i cant take more. anw it's just a matter of time when i just lose hope since the problem lies with me and my thoughts and what i thought. i want to stop feeling sad over this and i can say this is the last time i will feel sad, like i've always said everytime. there have been so many supposedly last times i cant remember anymore. and i'd like to say i'll never cry over it again but yet again how many last times also. but im gonna say now really that i shouldnt still be thinking, holding on, xtr-ing or anything. .i know i really dont want to really put it down cos i never stopped believing and wishing and i dont want anyone to be sad or feel anything.but believing and wishing got me no where, maybe they got me sadder and i think i cant anymore, if getting any sadder is possible. i'll try to live my own life and be happy i really wish i can but it's so hard when ........ aiyah i dont know. didnt i just say just now will be the last time feeling sad. hai. i'm just crazy and unwell. but i'll be fine, i'll make myself be, i'll sing more praises and pray more, it'll help right,yes. anw typing this was to say certainly that i will stop holding on to the broken string but hello i sound like the most uncertain, unwilling creature.whatever, i'll try. and since i wrote it all down it means i mean it right, yes i do..?
whatever it is, i can only be so sad because i was soooooooooooooooooooooo happy before. so im really thankful also that i once experienced so much fun joy happiness help hope care like sjb:) and everytime i think of them i can still smile, and smile from the bottom of my heart. maybe i'll give anything up just to go back to where i was. cos i really think money, studies, status, fame, whatever's impt, 5 cs? whatever la, they really dont mean that much. im happy when i have different stuff. maybe im just weird maybe im different from the world ah. sian. but now im starting to lose hope maybe i'll be like the world soon. maybe the world isnt tt bad la ive just been so tired im becoming negative. and im monologuing already. hai. whatever, im thankful. for the times. and really thankful for all the friends/cat who comforted me everytime i emo. sorry i've become like that.
i promise, or at least i'll try, from now i'll be stronger and stop being so beaten.
and josh groban said, or sang, Time changes everything,One truth always stays the same,You're still you.
underneath, no matter what we've changed into and become, perhaps different things may make us happy now, what used to make us happy and laugh out loud may not even tickle us a bit anymore,however our perspectives/aspirations/hopes and wishes/surroundings/people around/roles change, we're still us. thankyou all those who once cared, thanks for being you. and sorry.
i'd like to end off with this song, and i hope i mean it this time and i stop feeling all sorts and down, it's been a long time coming.

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wish I had not said
Are played in loops til it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
And on our last days of silent screaming blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back don't think just do
More than anything I want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world